I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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