my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Randomize
