I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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