For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
