My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I deserve this hangover.
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