Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
