There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Randomize
