Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
