The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
