my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
