Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
