oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
