I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
So squirting runs in the family.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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