i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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