Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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