I showed him my bush... on skype.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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