a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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