I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
