I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
