One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
