As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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