Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
