What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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