dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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