i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I think your dad took our porno
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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