My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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