she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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