oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
