A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
