I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
then he tried to convert me to islam
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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