Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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