For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
