Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
