I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
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