I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
