I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
