I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
