On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
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