I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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