And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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