can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
