I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
