Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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