I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
