I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
