It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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