Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
