I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
