The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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