I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
