he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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