Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
