This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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