I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
